During my stay in the first world, I was introduced to something called Wii Dance Party (or Dance Fling or Bust a Hip or something like that.) With enough caffeine and sugar in my system, with the right people, during certain phases of the moon, I'm willing to release my inner lemur so I agreed to play.
That thing is not a game. I don't know what it is. I started having flashes of the weird chamber from Logan's Run where they kill off the old people. It's supposed to be a dance game but about 15 seconds in I'm pretty sure my little avatar guy on the screen pulled his own leg off. It was crazy. Weeks later I still have flashbacks and wake up screaming.
After they finished laughing, my ever-so-loving family explained that (a) I was doing it wrong (Really? The heart attack wasn't part of the game? What about the part where I turned purple? Or when my shoes came off because I was jumping? I'm not supposed to trip? You only have to move your WRIST? Don't you think that was mission critical intel that I might have needed going in?)
And (b) my naughty niece had picked a song for me on the maximum difficulty setting. I'm so proud of her. She's the greatest little chaotic neutral an uncle could have. Excuse me while I cry and sing "Sunrise, Sunset."
Monday, November 24, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Conclave, Sunday
If you missed the Sunday morning panel with Kelly and myself discussing the monomythic arc, that's too bad because I can't even begin to sum it all up here. It was one of those panels that really should have been recorded for SF oral history. Let's just say that for two tired guys tackling big words in the morning, we rocked. Well, Kelly did and I think I held my own.
The other big panel of my Sunday was Lost Birthright discussing the future of space travel and have we lost the will to make the sacrifices necessary to get to the stars.
Which actually begins with a panel on Saturday.
The panel on skepticism went about like I was afraid it would. Please don't misunderstand. I'm glad I did it and both everyone on the panel and in the audience were polite, courteous, and well-intentioned. Perhaps in a future set of posts I'll talk about my own problems with the skeptical movement but not now because I don't want to tarnish the panel. It was a good panel, well-received I think, and much less rancorous than I expected. In short, we spent an hour defining terms and debating several facets of the underlying philosophy of science. THAT was why I was disappointed. If we had the panel again next year, we'd have to cover the same ground all over again. The rhetoric and presuppositions of the skeptical movement and extreme believers are so deeply entrenched that, by the time you clear away the deadwood, you're out of time. It is effectively impossible to make any real headway on the philosophical debate. We were also supposed to be talking about the effect of a culture of extreme skepticism on SF literature but, of course, we ran out of time. Still, everyone did a masterful job of being open-minded and keeping focused on the topic while not allowing the discussion to bog down on any single issue.
I have to do a source-dump and clarify a few things because we covered a LOT of ground quickly. So (deep breath):
Names and references that you can do a quick google for if you're interested: Karl Popper (philosophy of science, esp. the need for a falsibility clause), Rupert Sheldrake (biomorphic or morphogenetic field theory and the sense of being stared at. Read his book on the experiments that could change the world if nothing else.), the Millikin effect (how to lie about your data, win a nobel prize, and then watch as it takes the entire world almost a century to figure out that you were wrong about the charge of an electron. It's late, I may have spelled Millikin wrong. The "effect" is how, even though other labs were reproducing his experiments, they unconsciously massaged their data to match his flawed results.), statistical meta-analysis (despite what some panel members said, it is one of the absolute best methods of handling large data sets), and finally, global warming and the University of Edinburgh (they faked a lot of stuff then when they were caught, destroyed all the raw data so they couldn't be held accountable. Obviously, other people hold more forgiving opinions than I do so you should look it up for yourself if you're interested. If you're interested in global warming specifically look up a fellow named Monkton. The Edinburgh case has less to do with global warming and more to do with the dangerous overlap of science, politics, and social pressure. This site has a lot of nice links on the subject including links to some of the actual recovered emails. http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_globalwarmingpseudo47.htm)
If there's something else you remember we talked about but you don't remember the specifics, drop me a note with what you can recall and I'll try to see if I remember it. Let me also take a moment to thank the audience member who allowed me to clarify my statement about the UofE and point out that it was not about their science but about their behavior.
(gasp for air)
At the end of the panel, after discussing all the various problems and risks involved in research and how to be properly skeptical without being reductionistic, I asked what could be done. The consensus was that we should spend more money on science education in schools and focus our public research monies on subjects that would pay off in the short term. Okay, I don't agree; I'm certain you're shocked. But, this (finally) is why I link this Saturday panel with Sunday.
Lost Birthright had, to my surprise, only one presenter in common with the skeptic panel (myself) and, that I could see, no audience overlap. It was like the two panels had taken place on different worlds. Both panels were serious with intensely held positions but where the skeptical panel had been somber and dismissive, the Birthright panel was bright and loud and enthusiastic and optimistic. And the conclusions were polar opposites. The Birthright panelists were united on a common theme: we need to push the envelope and we need to think and plan long term.
I'm not trying to cast aspersions on anyone from either panel. What I am trying to do is explain the two completely different mindsets at work. I went from a panel that said "color inside the lines and focus on the short term" to a panel that said "dream big and plan long." The juxtaposition was startling. I don't know what, if anything, to make of it. I do wish there had been some other overlapping people so I could ask if I was the only one struck by the difference. In fairness, it might have been that the topics themselves set the tone of the discussion or it might be that 4pm Saturday panels have a different mindset than Sunday morning. I don't know. It was interesting to me though so I thought I'd share it.
Oh, and then there were long goodbyes and everyone went home safely without any other details because this post is way too long.
The other big panel of my Sunday was Lost Birthright discussing the future of space travel and have we lost the will to make the sacrifices necessary to get to the stars.
Which actually begins with a panel on Saturday.
The panel on skepticism went about like I was afraid it would. Please don't misunderstand. I'm glad I did it and both everyone on the panel and in the audience were polite, courteous, and well-intentioned. Perhaps in a future set of posts I'll talk about my own problems with the skeptical movement but not now because I don't want to tarnish the panel. It was a good panel, well-received I think, and much less rancorous than I expected. In short, we spent an hour defining terms and debating several facets of the underlying philosophy of science. THAT was why I was disappointed. If we had the panel again next year, we'd have to cover the same ground all over again. The rhetoric and presuppositions of the skeptical movement and extreme believers are so deeply entrenched that, by the time you clear away the deadwood, you're out of time. It is effectively impossible to make any real headway on the philosophical debate. We were also supposed to be talking about the effect of a culture of extreme skepticism on SF literature but, of course, we ran out of time. Still, everyone did a masterful job of being open-minded and keeping focused on the topic while not allowing the discussion to bog down on any single issue.
I have to do a source-dump and clarify a few things because we covered a LOT of ground quickly. So (deep breath):
Names and references that you can do a quick google for if you're interested: Karl Popper (philosophy of science, esp. the need for a falsibility clause), Rupert Sheldrake (biomorphic or morphogenetic field theory and the sense of being stared at. Read his book on the experiments that could change the world if nothing else.), the Millikin effect (how to lie about your data, win a nobel prize, and then watch as it takes the entire world almost a century to figure out that you were wrong about the charge of an electron. It's late, I may have spelled Millikin wrong. The "effect" is how, even though other labs were reproducing his experiments, they unconsciously massaged their data to match his flawed results.), statistical meta-analysis (despite what some panel members said, it is one of the absolute best methods of handling large data sets), and finally, global warming and the University of Edinburgh (they faked a lot of stuff then when they were caught, destroyed all the raw data so they couldn't be held accountable. Obviously, other people hold more forgiving opinions than I do so you should look it up for yourself if you're interested. If you're interested in global warming specifically look up a fellow named Monkton. The Edinburgh case has less to do with global warming and more to do with the dangerous overlap of science, politics, and social pressure. This site has a lot of nice links on the subject including links to some of the actual recovered emails. http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_globalwarmingpseudo47.htm)
If there's something else you remember we talked about but you don't remember the specifics, drop me a note with what you can recall and I'll try to see if I remember it. Let me also take a moment to thank the audience member who allowed me to clarify my statement about the UofE and point out that it was not about their science but about their behavior.
(gasp for air)
At the end of the panel, after discussing all the various problems and risks involved in research and how to be properly skeptical without being reductionistic, I asked what could be done. The consensus was that we should spend more money on science education in schools and focus our public research monies on subjects that would pay off in the short term. Okay, I don't agree; I'm certain you're shocked. But, this (finally) is why I link this Saturday panel with Sunday.
Lost Birthright had, to my surprise, only one presenter in common with the skeptic panel (myself) and, that I could see, no audience overlap. It was like the two panels had taken place on different worlds. Both panels were serious with intensely held positions but where the skeptical panel had been somber and dismissive, the Birthright panel was bright and loud and enthusiastic and optimistic. And the conclusions were polar opposites. The Birthright panelists were united on a common theme: we need to push the envelope and we need to think and plan long term.
I'm not trying to cast aspersions on anyone from either panel. What I am trying to do is explain the two completely different mindsets at work. I went from a panel that said "color inside the lines and focus on the short term" to a panel that said "dream big and plan long." The juxtaposition was startling. I don't know what, if anything, to make of it. I do wish there had been some other overlapping people so I could ask if I was the only one struck by the difference. In fairness, it might have been that the topics themselves set the tone of the discussion or it might be that 4pm Saturday panels have a different mindset than Sunday morning. I don't know. It was interesting to me though so I thought I'd share it.
Oh, and then there were long goodbyes and everyone went home safely without any other details because this post is way too long.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Conclave, Saturday
Saturday was busy. Yep, busy. In no way am I complaining; just saying that if I forgot something, it was kinda blurry on Saturday. (I didn't sleep the night before.)
An event on Saturday that I missed was the release of the "sandbox game" Netherstorm by Thunderhead Games. My sources (who just happened to also be my Saturday night roomies) were very impressed. A quote I remember, "It has crafting! And it matters!" Sounded like something I'd be interested in if I were still role-playing. Saturday also had the "Lee Carroll and Anne Brett Memorial Version of THE GAME." I have to say, it still feels weird to go to 'Clave and not see them there. I really miss them. Lee was, in many ways, a kind of mentor to me during some difficult years.
My panels were pretty straightforward. I wish we'd had more time on worldbuilding but let's be honest, I could do an entire convention just about worldbuilding, especially if we included discussions about great fantasy maps. The panel was fairly split in opinions on dialogue tags, physical beats, and "saids." I think the lesson is you can get away with what you want as long as it's clear and doesn't jar the reader out of the story. I read "Troll Snot" and, for I think the first time, there weren't any kids. Oh, I had an audience, they were just mostly on the tall side.
In my head, the panel on skepticism was on Sunday. I know it was on Saturday but my internal continuity says it should have been Sunday because it dovetailed with another Sunday panel. So, I'll talk about that panel in the Sunday post.
Saturday night, I stumbled back to my hotel room, fully intending to sleep. Instead, my roommate and I (whose name is not Dave) stayed up watching TV. Something called "Cutthroat Kitchen" I think. Did you know there is an entire network of nothing but cooking shows? Well, you probably did but I don't get out much. Anyway, the point is: not-Dave and I stayed up way too late and had a disproportionate amount of fun. I am so glad I swapped rooms and stayed with the "boys."
An event on Saturday that I missed was the release of the "sandbox game" Netherstorm by Thunderhead Games. My sources (who just happened to also be my Saturday night roomies) were very impressed. A quote I remember, "It has crafting! And it matters!" Sounded like something I'd be interested in if I were still role-playing. Saturday also had the "Lee Carroll and Anne Brett Memorial Version of THE GAME." I have to say, it still feels weird to go to 'Clave and not see them there. I really miss them. Lee was, in many ways, a kind of mentor to me during some difficult years.
My panels were pretty straightforward. I wish we'd had more time on worldbuilding but let's be honest, I could do an entire convention just about worldbuilding, especially if we included discussions about great fantasy maps. The panel was fairly split in opinions on dialogue tags, physical beats, and "saids." I think the lesson is you can get away with what you want as long as it's clear and doesn't jar the reader out of the story. I read "Troll Snot" and, for I think the first time, there weren't any kids. Oh, I had an audience, they were just mostly on the tall side.
In my head, the panel on skepticism was on Sunday. I know it was on Saturday but my internal continuity says it should have been Sunday because it dovetailed with another Sunday panel. So, I'll talk about that panel in the Sunday post.
Saturday night, I stumbled back to my hotel room, fully intending to sleep. Instead, my roommate and I (whose name is not Dave) stayed up watching TV. Something called "Cutthroat Kitchen" I think. Did you know there is an entire network of nothing but cooking shows? Well, you probably did but I don't get out much. Anyway, the point is: not-Dave and I stayed up way too late and had a disproportionate amount of fun. I am so glad I swapped rooms and stayed with the "boys."
Monday, November 17, 2014
Conclave, Friday
A hush settled over the hotel when I arrived for the convention. That's me flattering myself. Actually, I got there before registration was open and it was just plain quiet. I started the convention tired because, in addition to the travel, I'd been pushing hard before we left to get another book finished. I got it done, the edits made, and the mss. sent out to my alpha people right before we hit the road. Through no fault of the convention, I didn't get any more rested so I started out a little loopy and by Sunday I was 3am-full-of-sugar-everything-is-funny blitzed. So, typical S.O.P. for a convention.
I didn't start panels until later in the evening and the turnout was light enough for me not to get spooked by the crowd and have to den up in my hotel room. Instead, I spent most of the early evening chatting with Kelly. Great fun.
Regarding a few of the panels, let me put some further information here:
Here to There--My go-to for market listings is ralan.com. Be sure to check out the resources page for help with all kinds of things. It's a truly amazing site.
My Favorite Things--Just a reminder that in the archives of this blog right here are both my recommended reading list of SF/F and several of the Kilimanjaro book reviews.
Characters--I still disagree with the rest of the panel, especially about the use of third-person omniscient viewpoint. I think it varies from genre to genre.
(You may notice that I have no pictures from the convention. I dropped my phone in the dog's water bucket. Phone works; camera doesn't. Odds are, I wouldn't have taken any pictures anyway and, if I did, the blog would eat them like it does half the time. Bleh. Tech is overrated; buy my merch instead.)
I didn't start panels until later in the evening and the turnout was light enough for me not to get spooked by the crowd and have to den up in my hotel room. Instead, I spent most of the early evening chatting with Kelly. Great fun.
Regarding a few of the panels, let me put some further information here:
Here to There--My go-to for market listings is ralan.com. Be sure to check out the resources page for help with all kinds of things. It's a truly amazing site.
My Favorite Things--Just a reminder that in the archives of this blog right here are both my recommended reading list of SF/F and several of the Kilimanjaro book reviews.
Characters--I still disagree with the rest of the panel, especially about the use of third-person omniscient viewpoint. I think it varies from genre to genre.
(You may notice that I have no pictures from the convention. I dropped my phone in the dog's water bucket. Phone works; camera doesn't. Odds are, I wouldn't have taken any pictures anyway and, if I did, the blog would eat them like it does half the time. Bleh. Tech is overrated; buy my merch instead.)
Friday, November 14, 2014
Family
I was blessed to spend two weeks with the side of my family in Michigan. I don't talk about my family on the blog much because (a) despite my fat mouth, I am, in some ways, a very private person and (b) I want to respect their privacy. Still, I'd like to go on record as saying, I have two sisters named Susan and I love them both very much. Every time I see them, I am amazed and humbled by what a great job they are doing raising their children. They make me proud, even though I don't have anything to do with it. (There are husbands involved too and all that. Whatever.)
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Platinum Giraffe
Platinum Giraffe is a fun little blog that may be the only one on the internet updated less often than mine. Upon reaching Michigan, I had words with the proprietor of said site. Mainly, I took her to task for not warning me that Inuyasha was essentially "Somewhere in Time" set in Japan. By way of apology, she introduced me to the joys of a program called "Good Mythical Morning" and its hosts Rhett and Linc. It's a You-Tube thing so you'll have to look it up for yourself but there is some significant goofy pleasure to be found there if you have that kind of internet. (Now that I'm home, I don't. So sad.) As an added bonus, one of the things I really appreciate about Rhett and Linc is that they are clean, no foul language, reasonably controlled on the adult content. That's a rarity in comedy these days, especially in an internet context, and I really appreciate their work.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Pure Michigan
Imagine, if you will, having traveled almost a thousand miles to reach the Michigan state border. At the border, on I-75, Michigan has a lovely sign mounted in stone that says "Welcome to Michigan" and, below, the states new motto "Pure Michigan" in great white letters on deep blue. This trip there is another sign, an orange one. It read "Construction Next 40 Miles." The result is classic.
To the left, ranks of orange barrels. Forward, brake lights as far as the eye can see. And to the right, the orange sign obscuring part of the welcome sign leaving the eye to read "Construction Next 40 Miles. Pure Michigan."
I'm probably not doing the scene justice. It was priceless. I know I'm not the only one who saw this but so far I haven't found anyone who got a picture. I really want a picture. Honestly, I think it should be a postcard. You'd make a fortune.
To the left, ranks of orange barrels. Forward, brake lights as far as the eye can see. And to the right, the orange sign obscuring part of the welcome sign leaving the eye to read "Construction Next 40 Miles. Pure Michigan."
I'm probably not doing the scene justice. It was priceless. I know I'm not the only one who saw this but so far I haven't found anyone who got a picture. I really want a picture. Honestly, I think it should be a postcard. You'd make a fortune.
Traffic Advisory
Hello first world car driving people. Most of you are very nice. Some of you aren't. Having just returned from the long march, I wish to share a few helpful suggestions with the latter group.
This ain't the blasted Autobahn!
Running up on my bumper and flashing your lights does not, in fact, make me want to move out of your way. It just tells me you are a self-important, rude, speeding jerk driving a brand new automobile that costs more than the trailer that I live in. It reminds me of the fact that we both have insurance and that you have more to lose in a collision than I do. It reminds me that I have brand new brake pads and that I can go even slower. Thank you for bringing to my attention that my life is so trivial that I don't need to go 90 miles an hour on the highway because what I'm going to is not as important as what you're going to.
At first I thought you must be a heart surgeon or that someone needed a brain transplant but there are too many of you for that to be a sufficient explanation. I would also assume that a surgeon rushing to a medical emergency would be smart enough not to be on the phone while they change lanes every ten feet.
And why are you watching TV? I cannot tell you how surprised I was to see a movie playing in your vehicle as you passed me on the other side of a line of orange construction barrels. I didn't know cars could play movies. Of course, I also didn't know you could choose which side of the barrels to drive on. Silly hick me.
I notice that a disparate number of you have California license plates. Are the rules different in California? I have often suspected this when I watch the news, so thank you for confirming it for me. But maybe I'm being unfair to California because there are enough of you from other states to remind me that stupid is universal. I also notice that in this "bad economy" there seems to be a correlation between how expensive the car is and how "important" the driver.
I should warn you, I have rage issues. It says so right on my psych chart. I also have "anarchist tendencies" and "hostility toward authority figures." Perhaps, as a suggestion, honking and flashing your lights to let me know how important and powerful you are in the social hierarchy is not the best way to communicate with me. I am the kind of person who always carries a tire iron in the car, even though I do not have a spare. There is a chance that we might share a rest stop further down the road. I might even follow you to one. Or I might just stop this car right here in the one-lane construction zone and come speak with you. Do be kind enough not to encourage me to combine psychotic rage and hillbilly enthusiasm on your fine automobile.
To recap, running up on my bumper and flashing your lights will not, in fact, cause me to change lanes…in a construction zone…single lane…in Kentucky…with shoulder work also going on.
(True story, I kid you not. One lane, shoulder work on both sides, and some goober zips up on me and flashes his lights. I guess I was supposed to drive off the side of the mountain so he could pass. Then when we get out of construction and he passes me, still not kidding, he's talking on the phone with a movie playing on a screen inside the car. I had some…strongly held opinions on his parentage.)
This ain't the blasted Autobahn!
Running up on my bumper and flashing your lights does not, in fact, make me want to move out of your way. It just tells me you are a self-important, rude, speeding jerk driving a brand new automobile that costs more than the trailer that I live in. It reminds me of the fact that we both have insurance and that you have more to lose in a collision than I do. It reminds me that I have brand new brake pads and that I can go even slower. Thank you for bringing to my attention that my life is so trivial that I don't need to go 90 miles an hour on the highway because what I'm going to is not as important as what you're going to.
At first I thought you must be a heart surgeon or that someone needed a brain transplant but there are too many of you for that to be a sufficient explanation. I would also assume that a surgeon rushing to a medical emergency would be smart enough not to be on the phone while they change lanes every ten feet.
And why are you watching TV? I cannot tell you how surprised I was to see a movie playing in your vehicle as you passed me on the other side of a line of orange construction barrels. I didn't know cars could play movies. Of course, I also didn't know you could choose which side of the barrels to drive on. Silly hick me.
I notice that a disparate number of you have California license plates. Are the rules different in California? I have often suspected this when I watch the news, so thank you for confirming it for me. But maybe I'm being unfair to California because there are enough of you from other states to remind me that stupid is universal. I also notice that in this "bad economy" there seems to be a correlation between how expensive the car is and how "important" the driver.
I should warn you, I have rage issues. It says so right on my psych chart. I also have "anarchist tendencies" and "hostility toward authority figures." Perhaps, as a suggestion, honking and flashing your lights to let me know how important and powerful you are in the social hierarchy is not the best way to communicate with me. I am the kind of person who always carries a tire iron in the car, even though I do not have a spare. There is a chance that we might share a rest stop further down the road. I might even follow you to one. Or I might just stop this car right here in the one-lane construction zone and come speak with you. Do be kind enough not to encourage me to combine psychotic rage and hillbilly enthusiasm on your fine automobile.
To recap, running up on my bumper and flashing your lights will not, in fact, cause me to change lanes…in a construction zone…single lane…in Kentucky…with shoulder work also going on.
(True story, I kid you not. One lane, shoulder work on both sides, and some goober zips up on me and flashes his lights. I guess I was supposed to drive off the side of the mountain so he could pass. Then when we get out of construction and he passes me, still not kidding, he's talking on the phone with a movie playing on a screen inside the car. I had some…strongly held opinions on his parentage.)
Friday, November 7, 2014
Food Fight
Fair warning: this post contains potentially offensive subject matter, especially if you have food allergies or watch cooking shows. Believe it or not, I do actually understand things like celiac disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
Before we left, my child bride told me to make a list of what I would eat and what I wouldn't. Her plan, I think, was to give it to the rest of the family in Michigan to help them in their meal planning. In the end…well, this is what I ended up with:
To Eat:
Spaghetti
Chili
Pizza
Meat (almost all, see notes below for exceptions)
If meal plan is exhausted, see above
Note: Anything that my wife makes is food.
Additional Note: Sometimes it's nice to skip a meal. Maybe just snack a little later. No big deal.
To Not Eat:
Mushy Peas
--All Peas are mushy, even in the pod.
--All beans are probably peas in disguise.
--All vegetables are probably related to beans.
--Best to be cautious on this.
Intestines.
--Things wrapped in intestines like sausages and brauts.
--Only poop should be in intestines.
--Poop is not food, no matter what Rachael Ray says.
Brains, Liver, etc.
--No organs
--Not even animal ones
Shredded Coconut.
--Probably a vegetable; only pretending to be a nut.
--If not vegetable, might be little pointy white spiders waiting to come alive in your stomach.
No Transitional Food.
--Food should only be eaten when finished.
--Sushi is not finished.
--Cream cheese, cottage cheese, curds, whey, etc. are not finished. Too late for milk, too soon for cheese.
--Cabbage (aka pre-sauerkraut) is not finished. Sauerkraut is not food.
--Yogurt is not food. Food has flavor, not culture. Yogurt is a bacteria aka rot. Rot is not food.
--Fungus is also rot, not food. Remember the rule: Fungus is no fun for us.
--Green is usually the sign of a food in transition. Green meat is transitioning to rot. Green bacon is transitioning to rot. Green eggs are transitioning to rot unless you are British.
--Vegetables are also green.
--Mayonnaise is a transitional food (see below). It is a food of unfulfilled potential. The ingredients separately looked good; combined, they're on a road to nowhere. Not even starving leprous kids in India are that hungry.
Tomatoes should be sufficiently dead.
--Raw is not dead.
--Sliced is not dead.
--Diced is not dead.
--Stewed is not dead.
--Crushed is not dead.
--Pureed into a sauce, seeds removed, all chunks strained out, mixed with spices and made into a nice spaghetti or pizza is maybe dead enough. But no black olives.
--Olives are made by the spit of old Italian men. That is bad.
No mayonnaise.
--Ever.
--Remember, potatoes are good, salad is bad. Potato salad, therefore, is a breech in the matter/anti-matter containment vessel. That's bad, Egon.
--"Salad Dressing" is not a mayonnaise loop-hole.
--Seriously, the stuff is gross.
Food should be food.
--Food is not pretty. Food has work to do; it doesn't have time to get dressed up. Fancy looking food is hiding something.
--Food should not touch. If the cook makes two different foods in the kitchen, do not be rude and let them touch on the plate.
--Food should not be allowed to touch in the kitchen.
--Handy tip: food should be brown, black, or gray. If not, food may be undercooked or need gravy.
--Bread is food. Gluten is hippy propaganda.
--All food should be made from ingredients.
--Ingredients should be things known to western civilization for at least two hundred years.
--The Food Network lies. A lot.
--If you have to order it, it is not an ingredient.
--If you cannot pronounce it, it is not an ingredient.
--If you cannot spell it, it is not an ingredient…or Italian. Italian is okay.
--Some Spanish and Mexican is okay too. To test, rub suspect ingredient in your eyes. If it burns, it is not an ingredient.
--There is no food in Asia. Some ingredients, yes, but no food. If all the ingredients together make Asian food, you have failed.
--Grease is an ingredient. Greek is not. Those people eat some weird things but it is not food.
--Just leave the poor sheep alone, okay?
Before we left, my child bride told me to make a list of what I would eat and what I wouldn't. Her plan, I think, was to give it to the rest of the family in Michigan to help them in their meal planning. In the end…well, this is what I ended up with:
To Eat:
Spaghetti
Chili
Pizza
Meat (almost all, see notes below for exceptions)
If meal plan is exhausted, see above
Note: Anything that my wife makes is food.
Additional Note: Sometimes it's nice to skip a meal. Maybe just snack a little later. No big deal.
To Not Eat:
Mushy Peas
--All Peas are mushy, even in the pod.
--All beans are probably peas in disguise.
--All vegetables are probably related to beans.
--Best to be cautious on this.
Intestines.
--Things wrapped in intestines like sausages and brauts.
--Only poop should be in intestines.
--Poop is not food, no matter what Rachael Ray says.
Brains, Liver, etc.
--No organs
--Not even animal ones
Shredded Coconut.
--Probably a vegetable; only pretending to be a nut.
--If not vegetable, might be little pointy white spiders waiting to come alive in your stomach.
No Transitional Food.
--Food should only be eaten when finished.
--Sushi is not finished.
--Cream cheese, cottage cheese, curds, whey, etc. are not finished. Too late for milk, too soon for cheese.
--Cabbage (aka pre-sauerkraut) is not finished. Sauerkraut is not food.
--Yogurt is not food. Food has flavor, not culture. Yogurt is a bacteria aka rot. Rot is not food.
--Fungus is also rot, not food. Remember the rule: Fungus is no fun for us.
--Green is usually the sign of a food in transition. Green meat is transitioning to rot. Green bacon is transitioning to rot. Green eggs are transitioning to rot unless you are British.
--Vegetables are also green.
--Mayonnaise is a transitional food (see below). It is a food of unfulfilled potential. The ingredients separately looked good; combined, they're on a road to nowhere. Not even starving leprous kids in India are that hungry.
Tomatoes should be sufficiently dead.
--Raw is not dead.
--Sliced is not dead.
--Diced is not dead.
--Stewed is not dead.
--Crushed is not dead.
--Pureed into a sauce, seeds removed, all chunks strained out, mixed with spices and made into a nice spaghetti or pizza is maybe dead enough. But no black olives.
--Olives are made by the spit of old Italian men. That is bad.
No mayonnaise.
--Ever.
--Remember, potatoes are good, salad is bad. Potato salad, therefore, is a breech in the matter/anti-matter containment vessel. That's bad, Egon.
--"Salad Dressing" is not a mayonnaise loop-hole.
--Seriously, the stuff is gross.
Food should be food.
--Food is not pretty. Food has work to do; it doesn't have time to get dressed up. Fancy looking food is hiding something.
--Food should not touch. If the cook makes two different foods in the kitchen, do not be rude and let them touch on the plate.
--Food should not be allowed to touch in the kitchen.
--Handy tip: food should be brown, black, or gray. If not, food may be undercooked or need gravy.
--Bread is food. Gluten is hippy propaganda.
--All food should be made from ingredients.
--Ingredients should be things known to western civilization for at least two hundred years.
--The Food Network lies. A lot.
--If you have to order it, it is not an ingredient.
--If you cannot pronounce it, it is not an ingredient.
--If you cannot spell it, it is not an ingredient…or Italian. Italian is okay.
--Some Spanish and Mexican is okay too. To test, rub suspect ingredient in your eyes. If it burns, it is not an ingredient.
--There is no food in Asia. Some ingredients, yes, but no food. If all the ingredients together make Asian food, you have failed.
--Grease is an ingredient. Greek is not. Those people eat some weird things but it is not food.
--Just leave the poor sheep alone, okay?
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Home Again
They called it horror because they had forgotten the real meaning of the word, because there was no word sufficient for the harrowing trail, the eternity of butt-numbing boredom punctuated by moments of sheer orange where stalagmites rise up from the asphalt like the flames of Hades and men shuffle listlessly between arcane machines.
So, yeah, there was some travel. Not so much with the men and machines though. I don't mind construction when it's necessary and done right, like in Kentucky where they're out there only a few feet from traffic risking their lives to make sure the shoulders are solid and the guardrails intact so I don't go plummeting down the side of a mountain. I'm totally fine with that. Places like Ohio and Michigan however, where the entire state is down to one lane because that one guy who actually does something is probably going to want to work on part of the road when he gets back from vacation next week, they get on my nerves. But I shouldn't complain, I've been through worse (any given trip through Indianapolis, for example) and the car ran splendiferously. Plus my lovely wife did most of the driving because she's wonderful like that.
We're home now and rested up to the state of exhaustion that we call normal. I'll try to give a few more posts on the details of the trip but the short version is: we went to Michigan, spent some time with family, went to Conclave, and had a great time and a lovely convention.
It's hard for me to give anything resembling an honest convention report because, over the years, 'Clave has gone from a convention to a second home where I visit my friends who just happen to run a convention. That said, I still think this year went very well. FEMA was actively commandeering large chunks of the hotel away from the convention and, if it hadn't been for the signs, you wouldn't have known it. Even the "disaster that delivers" couldn't stop the smooth machine that is 'Clave's staff. Panel rooms were easy to find and in rooms that were the right size for the panel and, if anything, noise and distractions from other events and outside business was less than usual. Very, very impressive.
I was allowed to do a relatively large number of panels, which I enjoyed but I do hope that the people who attended didn't get tired of seeing me. Even better, I was privileged to do many of them with the Guest of Honor Kelly McCullough who has his own very thorough and nice convention report on his site. (kellymccullough.com or facebook.com/Kelly.mccullough Stupid blog will probably mess up the link; you might have to do the usual cut-and-paste thing. I swear, I need a teenager on staff to do the web stuff. I'm not kidding; you want the job, ask for it.) I also was fortunate enough to meet and speak with his wife over the course of the weekend. As most of you are aware, authors get the by-line but the spouses are what really make the books possible. They were even gracious enough to come to my reading of Purple Wings and pretend they liked it.
I'll try to get into more details of trip and convention as time goes by but for now, know that we're home safe from our trip to the first world and go read Kelly's stuff.
So, yeah, there was some travel. Not so much with the men and machines though. I don't mind construction when it's necessary and done right, like in Kentucky where they're out there only a few feet from traffic risking their lives to make sure the shoulders are solid and the guardrails intact so I don't go plummeting down the side of a mountain. I'm totally fine with that. Places like Ohio and Michigan however, where the entire state is down to one lane because that one guy who actually does something is probably going to want to work on part of the road when he gets back from vacation next week, they get on my nerves. But I shouldn't complain, I've been through worse (any given trip through Indianapolis, for example) and the car ran splendiferously. Plus my lovely wife did most of the driving because she's wonderful like that.
We're home now and rested up to the state of exhaustion that we call normal. I'll try to give a few more posts on the details of the trip but the short version is: we went to Michigan, spent some time with family, went to Conclave, and had a great time and a lovely convention.
It's hard for me to give anything resembling an honest convention report because, over the years, 'Clave has gone from a convention to a second home where I visit my friends who just happen to run a convention. That said, I still think this year went very well. FEMA was actively commandeering large chunks of the hotel away from the convention and, if it hadn't been for the signs, you wouldn't have known it. Even the "disaster that delivers" couldn't stop the smooth machine that is 'Clave's staff. Panel rooms were easy to find and in rooms that were the right size for the panel and, if anything, noise and distractions from other events and outside business was less than usual. Very, very impressive.
I was allowed to do a relatively large number of panels, which I enjoyed but I do hope that the people who attended didn't get tired of seeing me. Even better, I was privileged to do many of them with the Guest of Honor Kelly McCullough who has his own very thorough and nice convention report on his site. (kellymccullough.com or facebook.com/Kelly.mccullough Stupid blog will probably mess up the link; you might have to do the usual cut-and-paste thing. I swear, I need a teenager on staff to do the web stuff. I'm not kidding; you want the job, ask for it.) I also was fortunate enough to meet and speak with his wife over the course of the weekend. As most of you are aware, authors get the by-line but the spouses are what really make the books possible. They were even gracious enough to come to my reading of Purple Wings and pretend they liked it.
I'll try to get into more details of trip and convention as time goes by but for now, know that we're home safe from our trip to the first world and go read Kelly's stuff.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Conclave Schedule
I have a schedule:
Fri 8pm Warren Here to There
Fri 9pm Erie My Favorite Things
Fri 10pm Erie Characters (and other things that waste time)
Sat 11am Erie Just Like the Last Time, Only Different
Sat noon Warren Non-Fiction is Very Different
Sat 1pm Erie Cultural Cliches
Sat 2pm Ontario Combat Choreography
Sat 3pm Ontario Worldbuilder’s Toolbox
Sat 4pm Erie Skeptical of Skepticism
Sat 5pm Erie Writing Dialogue
Sat 8pm Warren Purple Wings and Troll Snot
Sat 9pm Erie One Day at a Time
Sun 10am Erie The Monomythic Arc
Sun 11am Huron Matthew Keaton Presents
Sun noon Erie Importance of Other Genres
Sun 1pm Warren Lost Birthright
There's also going to be a table for selling books but I don't think I'm going to be on it simply because (as you can see from the schedule) there's really no way I can help staff it. I'll be carrying the new CChild and some DOSII with me so ask if you want on.
MK
Fri 8pm Warren Here to There
Fri 9pm Erie My Favorite Things
Fri 10pm Erie Characters (and other things that waste time)
Sat 11am Erie Just Like the Last Time, Only Different
Sat noon Warren Non-Fiction is Very Different
Sat 1pm Erie Cultural Cliches
Sat 2pm Ontario Combat Choreography
Sat 3pm Ontario Worldbuilder’s Toolbox
Sat 4pm Erie Skeptical of Skepticism
Sat 5pm Erie Writing Dialogue
Sat 8pm Warren Purple Wings and Troll Snot
Sat 9pm Erie One Day at a Time
Sun 10am Erie The Monomythic Arc
Sun 11am Huron Matthew Keaton Presents
Sun noon Erie Importance of Other Genres
Sun 1pm Warren Lost Birthright
There's also going to be a table for selling books but I don't think I'm going to be on it simply because (as you can see from the schedule) there's really no way I can help staff it. I'll be carrying the new CChild and some DOSII with me so ask if you want on.
MK
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Pre-travel Update
I'll be at the Springdale Library this Saturday and then off to Michigan for Conclave. Hope to see everyone in good health. I don't know if the dealers' room will have my books so, just in case, I've got a few in the car. Feel free to buy as many as you want. (Or order the e-versions if you can't afford the other.)
MK
MK
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
General Update
I don't update the blog very often (which is obvious) and most readers know the main reasons: health and internet connection. In fact, let me go ahead and complain about the internet again--Im's getting messages from google saying that, in a short while, I won't even be able to read email because my "hardware is no longer supported." I suppose that's fair, the keyboard on my laptop is shedding keys like raindrops and I get a virtual memory error and have to reboot every half-hour. Even more fun, my website host has told me I need to "migrate" my website to a new server (they say it's to give me better service and I guess I'm grateful except, I don't even know what "migrate my website" means let alone how to do it.)
Okay, enough whining. Other things going on...hmmm...am I going to Conclave? Yes (finances permitting). Do I have anything new coming out? Yes but the dates are soft. The non-fiction book on PTSD/veteran readjustment is still being shopped. What I wish I could do is put up draft chapters from the book for comment. I think it would make the book better but first-publication rights vs. blog posts are...complicated. On the fiction side, I'm marketting very few short stories because, well, internet. "Matua's Bats" (a Brass Africa story) is scheduled for the next Dreams of Steam antho (no release date set). There are a few other shorts in the ether so to speak. Bookwise, Glitterville is almost finished (I'm at 100,000 words on a book that was supposed to be 85,000.) I also have a series contract with ProSe Press but the first book there is scheduled for 2016. A Brass Africa novel and a non-fiction book on analyzing the werewolf trope have a place to go as soon as I find time to finish writing them.
In short, I'm very busy but with nothing to show for it in the short term. For now, I'm still pushing CChild at appearances and I think the next time I'm scheduled out is the Springdale library in September.
And I'm going to stop now because my 'X' key just broke off (I can still use the letter, I just have to push the plasticy-rubber bump underneath).
(BTW, I'm not complaining, I actually think it's funny.)
MK
Okay, enough whining. Other things going on...hmmm...am I going to Conclave? Yes (finances permitting). Do I have anything new coming out? Yes but the dates are soft. The non-fiction book on PTSD/veteran readjustment is still being shopped. What I wish I could do is put up draft chapters from the book for comment. I think it would make the book better but first-publication rights vs. blog posts are...complicated. On the fiction side, I'm marketting very few short stories because, well, internet. "Matua's Bats" (a Brass Africa story) is scheduled for the next Dreams of Steam antho (no release date set). There are a few other shorts in the ether so to speak. Bookwise, Glitterville is almost finished (I'm at 100,000 words on a book that was supposed to be 85,000.) I also have a series contract with ProSe Press but the first book there is scheduled for 2016. A Brass Africa novel and a non-fiction book on analyzing the werewolf trope have a place to go as soon as I find time to finish writing them.
In short, I'm very busy but with nothing to show for it in the short term. For now, I'm still pushing CChild at appearances and I think the next time I'm scheduled out is the Springdale library in September.
And I'm going to stop now because my 'X' key just broke off (I can still use the letter, I just have to push the plasticy-rubber bump underneath).
(BTW, I'm not complaining, I actually think it's funny.)
MK
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