Advice for the lovelorn

While things are in tumult, I thought I'd take some time out to offend people. Hence, I offer my opinions on marriage.

I am seeing just way too many nice young girls marrying men I flat disapprove of and so, as a public service, I have taken it upon myself to provide a short guide for making sure the man you want is a good man. And, for the record, in order to make sure you get the best of the best, I’m going to insult just about every married guy I know including myself because ain’t none of us perfect.

First off, ladies, consider where you found him. Don’t go looking for men because the only place most of you think of to look for them is the worst place to find them. Don’t date a man that you meet at a place you don’t want him to be at after you marry him. If you meet him at a bar or a disco, you don’t want him (and what are you doing there to start with?). His environment already tells you his character. Try a more wholesome environment like a rodeo or a NASCAR race or, better yet, find a guy that’s volunteering to help at the VFW or a hospital. Remember, no matter how nice he is, if you meet him while you’re working undercover with the feds to help break up his white slavery ring, the relationship is not going to work out. Likewise, prison pen pals are right out. Men are like produce. If you’re in the grocery store and you find a nice tomato in the vegetable aisle, that’s fine but if you see a tomato shoved onto the shelf over between the dog food and the cat litter, just leave that nasty thing where you found it.

Now, let’s assume that you’ve acquired a suitable pool of suitors. How do you narrow them down? Quick cuts first. Check his feet. Can you see his toes? Goodbye. Flip-flops are for showers at the gym and sandals are for the beach. Any man too dumb to wear appropriate footgear is right out. Now check his head. Is it gelled up and spiky? If he thinks his head is a cave floor to be covered in stalagmites, he’s too dumb to be a good husband. Besides, you don’t want any guy that spends longer getting pretty than you do.

Listen to me on this, when you get married and are just starting out in the world odds are you’re going to be in an apartment or a tiny little house. That means only one bathroom and you don’t want to be sharing that precious space with a man who has more lotions than you’ve got curlers. Look at his soap too. Does it have chunks of lava rocks in it? Does it have a citrus base to cut through grease? That’s good. When you get married you can shove his soap under the cabinet and not worry about it. All he wants from it is to get the gunk off his hands; he doesn’t care if the bottle is pretty or if it’s imported. In my shack, the soap on the counter is goat soap with pumpkin spice. Why? Because that’s what my wife likes. I don’t know why they make soap out of goats and I don’t want to know what they do to make the goat’s smell like pumpkins. I know my wife is happy. ‘nuff said.

Let’s cut some more real fast. In love with his car? Not in love with you. Cruel to animals? Cruel to you. Still calls his mommy ‘mommy’? That man’s already got a woman. His hands softer than yours? Get lost slacker. Uses the phrase “If you really loved me, you’d…”? Hell no. Mean to children? To the curb.

Now, some of you are wailing “But I don’t want kids” and that’s fine but you still have to cut him from the herd. If you know me, you know that I hate kids and consider them a total blight on society. But that’s no reason to take it out on the little ones. Not their fault they’re here. We got ‘em; let’s take care of ‘em and maybe they’ll grow up to not be human. Listen, girlfriend, you do not want a man that can be mean to children or animals. You don’t even want him to know you. This is a guy that’s got three bodies buried in the basement and already has a hole dug for you. Run!

And don’t marry a crazy guy either. I know; I’m certified insane. We are way too high maintenance. I’m thrilled to death that my wife was gullible enough to take me but don’t inflict this wound on yourself.

If this little winnowing process leaves you all alone, that’s okay. I know that for some reason most of y’all don’t get it but no man is way better than the wrong man. I ain’t never seen a scraggly horse yet that there weren’t a scraggly bush around to tie it too. Hang in there, your time will come spinster woman.

That was the easy part. From here it gets harder because you’ve got to ask a few questions. And this isn’t like one of those quizzes in Cosmo, you’re going to have to think a little.

What does he talk about? If he talks about stuff more than people, it’s bad. If he talks about his stuff more than people, it’s worse. I know guys are concrete oriented and you might think that makes it okay for him to be stuff oriented but they aren’t the same thing. Concrete oriented means he’s not so good at articulating feelings and that, when you tell him your problems, he’ll try to fix them instead of just listening and nodding like your girlfriends. Stuff oriented means his life is about how much can he get to show off to other people and compensate for his own lack of worth. He probably sees you as one more thing on his stuff list. “I have a house, a car, a Rolex. Must be time to get a wife and a kid.” No, no, no. You are a person. Your family and friends are people. Your offspring will probably be people too. He doesn’t have to like them but he’d better understand them they’re mooshy organic real folks and not chess pieces on a board for his scoring and amusement. You deserve better.

How does he hunt? Notice I didn’t say “Does he hunt?”. I’m not saying he should but I am saying he should be prepared and willing to do so if necessary. If you’ve got nothing and the kids are hungry, you want a man that will pick up or borrow a gun, a stick, a blowgun, a knife, or even go out with his bare hands and strangle you some food for the table if that’s what it takes. However, you don’t want a man that brags about his hunting. That’s insensitive and cruel. You want a man who will boldly go out onto the frozen tundra, bludgeon Bambi to death with a warped 2-by-4, dress out the carcass and bring home the meat then cry about it a little when he thinks nobody is looking. And don’t give me any nonsense about animal rights and vegetarianism. If it don’t eat bacon, it ain’t a man. Heck, even pigs like bacon.

How does he react when you suggest a co-ed wedding shower? If he says absolutely not, then this question is a push. Maybe he’s being selfish and insensitive and maybe he’s being old-fashioned and smart. I can’t tell you which from here. But if he thinks it’s a good idea, get rid of him. In fact, brand him with a big X or something so the rest of us guy can beat him when he’s outside.

Does he want a stag party? G-rated bachelor parties are fun and I’m all for them. Miniature golf, go-karts, and junk food till dawn while you shoot the breeze over old times are something that should never go out of style even after a fellow is married. But if he wants some kind of stripper-laden, wild oats send off to the single life, tell him to keep the single life. This is a huge red flag.

Why does he love you? Ask him this question and then be ready to hold the door on his way out. If he says one word about a single physical attribute, he’s gone. I know that one of the major appeals of women is that they’re soft and they smell nice (like spiced goats, I reckon) but that’s no reason for love. If he names any transient aspect, anything that will change over time, he’s not ready. Maybe he’s not a bad guy but he’s not ready. Marriage is about permanence. Remember, you’re not looking for a pretty groom or a playmate for the party; you’re looking for the guy that someday is going to have to hold you hair when you puke and change your Depends—if you don’t end up doing it for him first! This is not glamour but it is love. In the end, the real answer to why is because he CHOOSES to. Your sparkling wit and wonderful personality may be contributing factors to why he decided to make the choice but if you don’t hear anything else I’m saying, hear this: LOVE IS AN ACT OF CONSIOUS WILL! It’s not an emotion. Don’t marry infatuation. Marry stubborn.

I’ve said my piece and maybe I’ve exaggerated at times but not as much as you think. And if you’re a guy and I’ve offended you, grow the hell up. Any guy that’s not confident enough in who he is to take a poke in the ribs isn’t ready for a relationship anyhow.