Monday, November 10, 2014

Traffic Advisory

Hello first world car driving people. Most of you are very nice. Some of you aren't. Having just returned from the long march, I wish to share a few helpful suggestions with the latter group.
This ain't the blasted Autobahn!
Running up on my bumper and flashing your lights does not, in fact, make me want to move out of your way. It just tells me you are a self-important, rude, speeding jerk driving a brand new automobile that costs more than the trailer that I live in. It reminds me of the fact that we both have insurance and that you have more to lose in a collision than I do. It reminds me that I have brand new brake pads and that I can go even slower. Thank you for bringing to my attention that my life is so trivial that I don't need to go 90 miles an hour on the highway because what I'm going to is not as important as what you're going to.
At first I thought you must be a heart surgeon or that someone needed a brain transplant but there are too many of you for that to be a sufficient explanation. I would also assume that a surgeon rushing to a medical emergency would be smart enough not to be on the phone while they change lanes every ten feet.
And why are you watching TV? I cannot tell you how surprised I was to see a movie playing in your vehicle as you passed me on the other side of a line of orange construction barrels. I didn't know cars could play movies. Of course, I also didn't know you could choose which side of the barrels to drive on. Silly hick me.
I notice that a disparate number of you have California license plates. Are the rules different in California? I have often suspected this when I watch the news, so thank you for confirming it for me. But maybe I'm being unfair to California because there are enough of you from other states to remind me that stupid is universal. I also notice that in this "bad economy" there seems to be a correlation between how expensive the car is and how "important" the driver.
I should warn you, I have rage issues. It says so right on my psych chart. I also have "anarchist tendencies" and "hostility toward authority figures." Perhaps, as a suggestion, honking and flashing your lights to let me know how important and powerful you are in the social hierarchy is not the best way to communicate with me. I am the kind of person who always carries a tire iron in the car, even though I do not have a spare. There is a chance that we might share a rest stop further down the road. I might even follow you to one. Or I might just stop this car right here in the one-lane construction zone and come speak with you. Do be kind enough not to encourage me to combine psychotic rage and hillbilly enthusiasm on your fine automobile.
To recap, running up on my bumper and flashing your lights will not, in fact, cause me to change lanes…in a construction zone…single lane…in Kentucky…with shoulder work also going on.
(True story, I kid you not. One lane, shoulder work on both sides, and some goober zips up on me and flashes his lights. I guess I was supposed to drive off the side of the mountain so he could pass. Then when we get out of construction and he passes me, still not kidding, he's talking on the phone with a movie playing on a screen inside the car. I had some…strongly held opinions on his parentage.)

No comments: