Friday, November 7, 2014

Food Fight

Fair warning: this post contains potentially offensive subject matter, especially if you have food allergies or watch cooking shows. Believe it or not, I do actually understand things like celiac disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.

Before we left, my child bride told me to make a list of what I would eat and what I wouldn't. Her plan, I think, was to give it to the rest of the family in Michigan to help them in their meal planning. In the end…well, this is what I ended up with:

To Eat:
Meat (almost all, see notes below for exceptions)
If meal plan is exhausted, see above
Note: Anything that my wife makes is food.
Additional Note: Sometimes it's nice to skip a meal. Maybe just snack a little later. No big deal.

To Not Eat:

Mushy Peas
--All Peas are mushy, even in the pod.
--All beans are probably peas in disguise.
--All vegetables are probably related to beans.
--Best to be cautious on this.

--Things wrapped in intestines like sausages and brauts.
--Only poop should be in intestines.
--Poop is not food, no matter what Rachael Ray says.

Brains, Liver, etc.
--No organs
--Not even animal ones

Shredded Coconut.
--Probably a vegetable; only pretending to be a nut.
--If not vegetable, might be little pointy white spiders waiting to come alive in your stomach.

No Transitional Food.
--Food should only be eaten when finished.
--Sushi is not finished.
--Cream cheese, cottage cheese, curds, whey, etc. are not finished. Too late for milk, too soon for cheese.
--Cabbage (aka pre-sauerkraut) is not finished. Sauerkraut is not food.
--Yogurt is not food. Food has flavor, not culture. Yogurt is a bacteria aka rot. Rot is not food.
--Fungus is also rot, not food. Remember the rule: Fungus is no fun for us.
--Green is usually the sign of a food in transition. Green meat is transitioning to rot. Green bacon is transitioning to rot. Green eggs are transitioning to rot unless you are British.
--Vegetables are also green.
--Mayonnaise is a transitional food (see below). It is a food of unfulfilled potential. The ingredients separately looked good; combined, they're on a road to nowhere. Not even starving leprous kids in India are that hungry.

Tomatoes should be sufficiently dead.
--Raw is not dead.
--Sliced is not dead.
--Diced is not dead.
--Stewed is not dead.
--Crushed is not dead.
--Pureed into a sauce, seeds removed, all chunks strained out, mixed with spices and made into a nice spaghetti or pizza is maybe dead enough. But no black olives.
--Olives are made by the spit of old Italian men. That is bad.

No mayonnaise.
--Remember, potatoes are good, salad is bad. Potato salad, therefore, is a breech in the matter/anti-matter containment vessel. That's bad, Egon.
--"Salad Dressing" is not a mayonnaise loop-hole.
--Seriously, the stuff is gross.

Food should be food.
--Food is not pretty. Food has work to do; it doesn't have time to get dressed up. Fancy looking food is hiding something.
--Food should not touch. If the cook makes two different foods in the kitchen, do not be rude and let them touch on the plate.
--Food should not be allowed to touch in the kitchen.
--Handy tip: food should be brown, black, or gray. If not, food may be undercooked or need gravy.
--Bread is food. Gluten is hippy propaganda.
--All food should be made from ingredients.
--Ingredients should be things known to western civilization for at least two hundred years.
--The Food Network lies. A lot.
--If you have to order it, it is not an ingredient.
--If you cannot pronounce it, it is not an ingredient.
--If you cannot spell it, it is not an ingredient…or Italian. Italian is okay.
--Some Spanish and Mexican is okay too. To test, rub suspect ingredient in your eyes. If it burns, it is not an ingredient.
--There is no food in Asia. Some ingredients, yes, but no food. If all the ingredients together make Asian food, you have failed.
--Grease is an ingredient. Greek is not. Those people eat some weird things but it is not food.
--Just leave the poor sheep alone, okay?

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