Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Quantum Irrationality (100th post)

Quantum Irrationality

I’ve seen such a plethora of new-age-hippie-self-help-guru-pat-the-bunny-fuzzy-logic pap that tries to combine the old “rub your tantric chakras together for fun and profit” with a scientific patina of “deliberately misunderstand Quantum Mechanics and Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle” that I decided I should get in on the gravy train before the rubes got a clue and it was time for the charlatans to go on the lam (fat chance of that). Look for me on Oprah soon!

The underlying premise of these books is to take a really weak understanding of Quantum Physics and apply it to philosophy (preferably, a pet philosophy you already have lying around and like to use to impress the dames). So, without further ado, I present to you:

Quantum Irrationality, a New Breakthrough in the Study of the Mind and Retroactive Self-Justification

As we all know, Heisenberg worked with the Ancient Maya developed what is now commonly called the Uncertainty Principle. This principle states, in essence, that the act of observing an object alters the properties of said object. Specifically, observing position alters velocity, observing velocity alters location, and in a stunning revelation location is roughly interchangeable with position so long as the switch is not observed. The Secret Government does not want you to have this information but, these rediscoveries of ancient Lemurian truths are not just applicable to mechanistic objects but to your daily life. Quantum Irrationality (QI) can enhance your spiritual well-being and lead you to a higher understanding of the world around and into an advanced state of mental awareness. In addition, this final step in the evolution of the human consciousness will also guarantee you financial prosperity, less stress, regular and fulfilling bowel movements, and mind-blowing multi-orgasmic sex. [Warning: Repeated applications of multi-orgasmic sex may result in accidental tantric trans-dimensional translation.]

Chances are, you have already experienced QI in your own life. It is common knowledge that the more people you have looking for an object, the faster it can be found—frequently in a location you have already searched. This is because when you, as a singular observer, attempted to discern the position of the object, by observing it, you altered its velocity thereby causing it to move away from your gaze. But when multiple observers were employed, the overlapping field of energies generated by the group synchronicity created a pattern of “strange attractors” that glued the lost object into place. Once you understand, it’s that easy. With an understanding of QI supplemented by the liberal application of herbal attenuators, the key to the mysteries of the universe are yours to command.

The most significant recent development in the study of QI was the discovery in the Fifty-Second Veda of the Eddaic Groomba of Bohr that since observation alters, it is possible to become aware of the properties of an object by a studied program of apathy. If one does not care about the properties of an object, eventually one of these datum, either location or velocity, will project itself into your conscious or subconscious mind—an “end-around” of the Uncertainty Principle! Think, in your own life, how often have you been sitting in the comfortable Zen bliss of mindless television-based meditation when suddenly you “remember” that you have a tasty piece of chocolate cake just sitting in the refrigerator? This is Bohr’s Apathy and QI at work. Sadly, once you remember the cake, you become interested in its location and are doomed therefore to impart it with velocity thereby making it impossible to actually find the cake when you look for it but this is a minor detail that later QI studies will most certainly hammer out (another good reason to subscribe to our QI newsletter).

You have probably noticed that the longer you stare at an attractive member of the opposite sex, the faster they move away from you. You’ve been making a classic QI mistake in your approach to mating. By observing position, you have imparted velocity. Now that you know better, employ the reverse. Grab him or her and impart a velocity (such as toward your waiting van in the parking lot) and you will have achieved control over position! Further in you have equipped your transcendence van with a GPS monitor, the Global Positioning System will constantly observe your position, imparting additional velocity to your van when the Secret Government attempts to intervene in your attempts to initiate your new acolyte into the mysteries of Quantum Irrationality.

Though we can’t give away the entire secrets of Atlantis, Lemuria, and New Jersey blindly on the internet, we can, through covert hints with shady characters and a six-figure book deal eventually lead you to a full understanding of QI. But time is short, the world will end in November of 2012. (You may have heard that the actual date predicted by the Maya is in December but this is disinformation propagated by the military-industrial complex to prevent public panic before their own operatives can use the wonders of QI to frame the new coming world-age into their own twisted image. Don’t be fooled.)

Not since ancient astronauts brought the technology of “chittlings” (know to the ancient Aztecs as Citlz), has a discovery offered such potential for abuse and profit. The ability to force world peace and impose your mental dominion over the planet to bring about freedom via the alignment of your chakras and your happy benevolent thoughts of tolerance of all non-intolerable beliefs lies within your grasp.

To save the future, you must act now, flooding the newly-founded QI Institute for Unlimited Internet and Television Appearances and a Big Fat Book Deal with money and support! QIIUIT (ABFBD) needs your help.

1 comment:

Keanan Brand said...

This post is laugh-out-loud funny! In fact, I think I'll read it again.